The problem with depression is that it clings to the mind like a parasite, constantly sucking away all joy, desire, and motivation. In my experience, it's not something that can be prayed away or conquered by reading Bible verses . . . and if it is, the desire to do so is not there, and it cannot be mustered.
I appreciate your care and concern, and with the ambiguity of my previous post, how would any of you really know what to say anyway? But thank you for saying something. If you need to know what's going on, here's a glimpse (and I hate writing about myself, but I feel that I owe you an elaboration).
This is a demon that I've battled for a long time. One counselor said I'm bipolar and another said I suffer from arrested development. Whatever is wrong with me, by any name, it sucks.
It comes and goes in cycles, as Tiffany could attest. God bless her for dealing with it for 10 years now. But the cycles have been a downward spiral. The highs have gotten lower and the lows have gotten darker.
Right now I'm miserable. Am I partly to blame? Of course! I'm a product of my own decisions. Every single one. From my childhood to now. But I've tried to turn things around. I've tried to make the right decisions, to do the right thing, to seek after God, to submit to His will . . . and still I'm lost.
The most frustrating aspect of this whole ordeal is the fact that it seems like every decision I make seems to backfire right in my face. Little or big, prayerful or selfish, it doesn't matter what kind of decision, they all backfire. I'll spare you the endless amount of examples, but it's uncanny how things seem to just go wrong in my life. This is why I say "God is making my life increasingly difficult," because the things that happen are sometimes so inexplicable! "God is growing you." "God is disciplining you." "God is directing you." No, I've experienced those things, and this ain't it. This is something entirely different.
I don't know what to do and I don't know how you can help me. I've tried everything in the past 20 years, and nothing seems to work. Something is broken inside me: in my mind, my heart, my spirit, and not even God has been able to heal it. And I've prayed and prayed, and worked, and prayed, and talked to friends, and prayed. There have been glimmers of hope here and there, but they quickly fade away. I do know that singing helps, and that music calms my soul. But when the music stops . . . it's only a matter of time.
Well, I'll cycle back around here soon, and you'll see funny little posts and pictures from me again.
But I am dreading the low that follows . . .